Aries

You know that feeling when you’re walking upstairs in the dark and you try to step on a stair that’s not there? Well, get ready to feel that every day for the next month as you struggle with the chimera of possibility. Not a good month for fishing, baking, or working with pneumatic equipment. You don’t have any lucky numbers this month, but the letter “R” looks to figure prominently.

Taurus

There is a single person in the world that is meant to be with you. Everyone else is merely preparing you to find that one right person. The difficulty is, of course, that there are 7 billion people in the world and you’ll never meet them all. So, statistically speaking, you’re doomed to spend your life with a person that isn’t the one. Oh well.

Gemini

Buy a lottery ticket. Just one. Don’t bother with the Extra because you are guaranteed to win. Quit your job now. Your life will change immeasurably with almost unlimited money to spend on things you don’t need. Call the Ferrari dealer and pre-order. Trust me. You’re a winner!

Cancer

There is a story attributed widely but told by the Buddha about blind men being asked to describe an elephant by touch. Each touches a different part of the elephant and gives a different description. Each is wrong because none can perceive the whole. They end the day flailing blindly at each other as each clings to his limited perception of the totality of the elephant. You’ve been warned.

Leo

Fractals are a branch of art and math where the whole is replicated in the minutia of the infinite. Your next month follows this path. The small things you do are replicated in the grand design of your life. All is connected. Each decision you make, no matter how small, ultimately determines your life path. Choose wisely.

Virgo

A story: A wise grandparent teaches the grandchild to play Monopoly. In time the child excels and crushes his grandmother with a row of hotels. He revels in his bad-assery. Grandma simply smiles and says, “At the end of the game, all of the money and things you’ve accumulated just go back in the box.” It takes years for the child to learn the true meaning of his wise grandmothers’ words. Don’t be that child.

Libra

On Tuesday, Mars, Venus, Jupiter and Mercury will align with the black hole that binds us to the center of the Milky Way Galaxy. If you stand at the top of a tall hill and jump as high as you can, there is a chance that you will be sucked into the jet black maelstrom, spaghettifying into an infinitely long and unimaginably thin wisp of humanity. Probably best to stay indoors.

Scorpio

If you are one of the blessed born under the scorpion there’s a pretty good chance that you were conceived on St. Valentine’s Day. Which means that you’re a product of chocolate-crazed sex by your parents. And, if you were conceived in Canada, there’s a pretty good chance that it was well below zero when your parents decided to assemble the parts that would make you who you are. This explains your cold heart and your sweet outside. Take it easy on the other signs. They’re totally average.

Sagittarius

In your kitchen you have containers for salt, sugar, flour, baking powder. On their own, each has little value. Together they form the basis of unlimited tasty treats. This month, decompartmentalize your life and mix things up. Introduce people that you have been keeping apart. Share your secret passions with your co-workers. Ask meaningful questions.

Capricorn

Thomas Midgley, Jr was a just scientist that was trying to solve some problems. In the 1920’s he discovered that the addition of lead to gasoline prevented engine problems. So for 50 years we polluted the world with a highly toxic form of lead. He went onto invent aerosol CFC’s that almost destroyed the ozone layer and ended life on this planet. Just trying to do his job…. This month, take a close look at your professional life and decide if you are in the right space.

Aquarius

Sit back and revel in your uniqueness. You are a child of the universe. Literally every atom that forms you, that wraps your DNA into a spiral, that lets you stand tall and proud, that propels you god-like though life, is the sparkle of a collapsed star. Only you, dear Aquarian, are made thusly. All the rest of us are scooped from the mud and baked in the light from your awesomeness. Have a great day.

Pisces

Syzygy. It’s an actual word, and not just a crappy mess of letters when you’re playing Scrabble and there aren’t enough letters at the end of the game to do a swap. It means the alignment of three celestial bodies. This is what you have to look forward to. All of your plans are coming into focus, and will align perfectly this month. Compare that with zymurgy which is the science of fermentation. Just sayin’.

Horoscopes